He Knows Our Needs

I had intended to post something cute and Christmasy starring the girls tonight, but I want to remember something that happened at church today so I'm posting about that instead. And in reality, it relates to Christmas anyway :)

First let me set the stage! I was asked to fill in as the ward chorister during Sacrament meeting today, and I was singing with the choir so I sat on the stand for the whole meeting. From that vantage point, I got to watch Jordan and the girls and think a lot about how blessed I am to have all three of them! We've been out past bedtime the last three nights with various Christmas activities so McKinley was struggling during the meeting. Normally, both girls are content to play with the items in the church bag during Sacrament, but McKinley was just overtired and cranky! We believe strongly in not taking our children out of Sacrament meeting if at all possible, and when they do get taken out, it's by Dad, who just holds them tightly until they calm down and can return to the meeting. The idea is to make sure being out of Sacrament meeting is much less fun than being in Sacrament meeting :) Anyway, Jordan finally had to take McKinley out. And I could hear her screams from the foyer as Dad held onto her instead of letting her roam around like she wanted. However, within a couple minutes Dad won and she was calm. He's awesome like that :) In the meantime, Madison was left alone in Sacrament. As I watched her from the stand, I wasn't at all worried about her behavior and whether she could handle being alone, but I could tell that she was a little confused about what she was supposed to do - stay in her seat or follow Dad. She got up and started walking toward the door but stopped about halfway and was just unsure. After a few moments, she continued walking out the door. This wasn't ideal from my perspective since we emphasize staying in Sacrament meeting, but I could also see her thought process and knew she was just trying to figure out what was expected of her. At this point, I saw my friend Brandi get up and walk out the same door. A moment later, Brandi returned holding Madison and took Madison to sit with her. Madison stayed with Brandi, Robbie and Baby Zoey, looking through her church books for the rest of the meeting, even after Dad and McKinley returned.

As I watched all of this unfold from the stand, I was struck for the millionth time by how great our friends are here and how much they mean to me. They have truly become our family here. And also for the millionth time, I wondered why in the world we are leaving them.

Don't get me wrong - family is great and I'm very excited to be closer to ours. Jordan and I have had many long conversations about the way we both grew up. Both of us were close to grandparents and Jordan was surrounded by aunts, uncles and especially cousins. We know this is important and is something we both want for our kids. So I know that part will be great! We prayed a lot about our decision to move to Arizona for externs, and we know it's the right thing for us. And I've done a pretty good job putting on a happy face and telling myself and everyone else that if things are so wonderful here, why wouldn't they be there? But really, deep down, I'm scared to death. I've always had a hard time making friends and never really had good friends until we came here. I'm always saying or doing the wrong thing, both with friends and family members, and ultimately getting myself in trouble and ostracizing myself. For whatever reason, here I've finally seemed to find my groove and I feel like I really have truly wonderful friends who love me and whom I love! But in my 30 years, that's definitely not been the case most of the time. So I have very real doubt and concern about what my life will be like in Arizona and whether I will be able to make friends and have good relationships with the family members we will be surrounded by. It could be a very lonely experience. I don't know what I would do without all of our playdates and outings!! My friends keep me sane during the long days :) And in eight months, they'll be gone. And I'll be alone.

So there I was, sitting on the stand, filled with love and gratitude for what we have and doubt and fear that it will soon be at an end. And then it was time to sing. Our first piece was a medley of Silent Night and Jesus, Once of Humble Birth. I've loved this arrangement since the first time I heard it in practice. It's just beautiful, and a perfect testimony of both the humble circumstances of the Savior's birth and the incredible importance of that event. I felt the spirit strongly as we sang and enjoyed the beauty of the piece. Our second song was O Holy Night, which is my favorite Christmas song! However, as is usually the case when the Spirit whispers, one line in particular stood out to me today that I had never noticed before ... "He knows our needs, to our weakness is no stranger" As I sang that line, I knew that my Savior was telling me that He knew what I was feeling and was there to calm my doubts and fears. I didn't make it through the line before the tears came. Unfortunately for me, I have a tendency to cry a lot when I feel the Spirit :) The choir director gave me the look of death because we're all under strict orders to not cry or she'll lose it too! But I couldn't help it :) I needed that reassurance so much, and in that moment of need, my Savior was there.

I don't know what will happen in eight months. I know that not everyone will like me, and it will take time and effort to improve myself and put myself out there hoping to find acceptance :) But I know that my Savior and Heavenly Father love me. And so I believe that somehow it will work out. And in the moments when I'm not so sure, I want to remember that He knows my needs, to my weakness is no stranger.

They may look cute, but sometimes ... yikes!