Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

This post is mostly for me. I really want to record how I feel about nursing having done it with two kids now so that I can look back on this post and remember why I do it because I know it will only get harder as we get more busy with more kids and more distractions.

I never wanted to nurse. My Mom had seven kids and didn't nurse any of us. I think she thinks nursing is kind of weird and she always said we turned out just fine on formula so that logic was good enough for me. All during my pregnancy with Madison, I was adamant that I wasn't going to nurse. Jordan's family had strong feelings the other way, and I know he would've preferred me to nurse, but being the wonderful husband he is, he said it was my decision and told his family not to pressure me about it.

And then Madison was born eight weeks early. All of a sudden, in the midst of the complete chaos surrounding her arrival and our subsequent introduction to the NICU, I was being pressured and questioned about nursing. I was completely caught off guard. I was still all over the place emotionally and was actually just getting to finally see Madison for the first time when I had nurses and lactation consultants all over me. I just remember kind of woodenly responding that I wasn't nursing. Her NICU label that is now in her baby book has a checkmark next to bottle-feeding, something that pains me every time I look at it now. As the hours passed that first day, I began to fully understand the magnifications of my decision. I didn't understand in that initial conversation that as a preemie, Madison HAD to have breastmilk, which meant if it wasn't coming from me, it was going to come from a milk bank, from some complete stranger. I just couldn't stomach that, so I very reluctantly agreed to give it a try with the caveat that I would quit at the first sign of pain, infection or general yuckiness (ridiculous, I know). I still didn't appreciate all of the pressure, but if it was really what she needed, I knew I had to try. Of course, Madison couldn't actually nurse at that point, being so small, so I started pumping and they gave her breastmilk through a feeding tube (her first feeding was 3 milliliters ... an ounce is 30 milliliters). This went on for two weeks until they finally gave us the go ahead to try "non-nutritive sucking," which meant we were just supposed to introduce her to the idea while knowing that she was still too small to actually latch on and nurse. But, of course, she's my daughter, so she immediately did exactly that. I nursed her every three hours every day she was in the hospital from then on and continued pumping diligently throughout the night to have milk for her to drink from a bottle during the night feedings when I wasn't there. I especially loved the 10 p.m. feeding when I would pump at her bedside right after nursing her while Jordan held her. As I look back at our experience with her, her early arrival and 43 days in the NICU, I sometimes find myself grateful that it happened this way. I would never have even considered nursing if not for this unique situation, and now I'm SO glad that I was forced to.

I continued nursing Madison after she came home, always waiting for some sign of the horrible pain and infections people talk about. It never came. I attribute this to two things, the first being a loving Heavenly Father, who knew what Madison needed and wasn't going to let me off the hook! The second is the nipple shield. Because Madison was so small when she started nursing, I had to use a shield to help her. Since it worked so well for both of us, I continued using it the entire time I nursed her (all you lactation nazis out there, don't judge ... remember the point is at least I was doing it!) I swear by the nipple shield and now tell all moms who are struggling with nursing to use it! You'll NEVER hear that from a lactation consultant, but it's way better than giving up! I also continued pumping and built up quite a supply of frozen milk (a HUGE thank you to my sister-in-law for giving me her pump and Jordan's parents for the chest freezer!). Madison had to have two bottles each day with breastmilk and a nutrition supplement to help her grow so she was always really good at going back and forth between the two, which made it possible for Jordan to help with feedings as well. Around eight months, she started losing interest in nursing and I thought she was self-weaning (I've since realized this wasn't the case - she was just a typical baby who gets distracted by EVERYTHING while nursing!). So I let her wean and switched to formula until she was a year old, when we made an easy transition to milk. She was already used to a bottle so none of this bothered her in the least. And that was that.

During that entire time, Madison did not get sick once. Her first runny nose and fever actually happened on her first birthday. She wasn't sick a single day in her first 12 months of life. She is now three years old and has had nothing more than the typical childhood colds. I had several ear infections as a young child, leading to me having to have tubes put in my ears, and I was concerned my children would have to deal with the same problem. Nope. Call me crazy, but I attribute that to nursing.

When I got pregnant with McKinley, I knew I was going to nurse. Duh!! Why wouldn't I?! And this time I was determined to nurse for the entire 12 months until she could have regular milk. My Mom really didn't get it. She said she understood why I nursed Madison but I didn't need to nurse McKinley. I explained my reasons to her - I really believed it helped Madison stay healthy, I enjoyed doing it and it was cheaper! I appreciate that while she still may not have understood, she never said anything else about it (although there was that one time when we were visiting for Thanksgiving and she walked in on me pumping ... she decided I looked so ridiculous that she got a mirror so I could see myself! Thanks Mom :) ) I actually tried to go au naturel with McKinley and ditch the shield, but after two days, the pain and bleeding were so bad I was desperate for any solution and begged Jordan to go dig the shield out of the baby stuff. Instant relief. So once again, I used the shield and never had a single infection or any other pain.

Nursing McKinley came with new challenges. The first came just a couple days after she was born when she became jaundiced. Our pediatrician said the jaundice was actually a result of nursing and advised me to stop and formula feed her. McKinley completely rejected the formula and ended up eating just one ounce in 10 hours. As a result of this wonderful "solution", we added dehydration to her jaundice and ended up spending three days at the Children's Hospital. Do not even get me started on what it was like to see ANOTHER baby in the hospital covered in wires and monitors. After we brought her home, I nursed her religiously every three hours for a month to make sure we didn't have a repeat of the dehydration. She was still a very sleepy eater and we had to work hard to keep her awake enough to nurse! From then on, she got better and better at sleeping through the night and was doing so completely just after she was three months old. We put her down around 7-8 and woke her back up to nurse around 10, after which I pumped and we all went to bed!! Then she would sleep until at least 6 am. I kept the 10 pm feeding until she was about seven months, longer than I probably needed to but it worked for us. And I kept pumping before bed until she was 11 months old so I had enough to mix with her "cereal" once she started solids and enough to make bottles when we needed to.

There was a time around 8 months when she seemed like she wanted to wean. Every nursing session was a fight and she would sometimes just cry when I tried to put her on. I wanted to just give up, but I knew she wasn't really weaning and we could push through it. Jordan encouraged me, and after a rough few weeks, we got back on track and finished strong! I weaned off the nipple shield around this time hoping that would help her want to nurse. While it didn't affect her at all, it was great for me - a lot more convenient and since I was so used to nursing by this time, the pain was significantly less and only lasted for a couple days.

My only other issue the last few months was nursing at Church. I've had many conversations with a friend about this issue and still am just not sure about the whole thing. But since this is my blog, I'm going to get on my soapbox. I don't get why it's so taboo to nurse at Church. Why do we have to go to the Mother's Lounge? How many women have you seen nursing in Relief Society or Sacrament? Like zero. Don't get me wrong - I would never nurse without a cover and would hope no one else would either. I believe in modesty. But if you have a cover, what's the big deal? I don't want to go to the Mother's Lounge. It smells. And except for Sacrament, you totally miss the lesson in whatever class you're supposed to be in. And every time the door opens, your baby is all over the place trying to see what's going on out there. I hate the Mother's Lounge. But I was also kind of afraid to nurse anywhere else during church - it just seems like one of those unspoken things you don't do. So I nursed in my car. Every Sunday. It was fine - I turned on some church music and watched the world go by. But I still missed that portion of church. And I still had to traipse out to my car in the rain and then in the heat. I might get brave and just do it next time. Maybe. What are they gonna do, kick me out?! :) If anyone out there is actually reading this, I'd love to know your thoughts!

So now we get to the part where I talk about what I had originally intended to talk about - weaning!! McKinley and I successfully made it one whole year! And that's my limit. By the end, she was down to four feedings a day, right after waking up, after morning nap, after afternoon nap and before bed. So mostly by accident, we started weaning five days before her birthday. Some friends were coming over and I didn't have time to feed her before they came and I didn't want to deal with the cover so I just didn't feed her. Gave her a cup of milk. Hoped for the best. Over the course of the next eight days, we dropped all but the morning feeding. Since she wasn't in love with the milk yet, I wanted to make sure she was still getting one good feeding, and she always did best in the morning when she woke up hungry! And it was hard, harder than I expected. And mostly for me. McKinley did pretty well. She didn't love the milk at first but she got used to it. And while she never expressed interest in actually nursing, she definitely got really clingy for several days. We also discovered that she hates cereal! I had actually started trying to feed her cereal a couple weeks before when we went to Disneyland so she could get used to the taste of milk and so I didn't have to take the pump! But she never took to it, which is crazy to me because Madison would LIVE on cereal if we let her. It's the only thing I know she will eat every. single. time. But not McKinley. So instead we've adjusted and just feed her bananas and pancakes leftover from Saturday breakfast. And as long as we feed her immediately after she wakes up (like immediately - Do not pass go, do not collect $200) she's a happy girl!

However, after getting down to one feeding a couple days after her birthday, I made the shocking discovery that weaning was hard for me too. Like I missed nursing my baby girl! CRAZINESS! I never thought I would feel that way! Anyone who has read my monthly McKinley posts knows that those month marks were mostly just countdowns to when I could stop nursing! But when it came down to it, I kind of, sort of, a tiny bit didn't want to stop. I missed that time with her. I missed how she always played with her toes while she nursed. I missed her just staring at me, completely content. I missed those quiet mornings when we were the only ones awake. So I held on to that last feeding for just a little longer. I just wasn't ready to let go yet. But I also knew that I needed to let her move on and become my little girl instead of my baby girl (Madison is the big girl around here!). I know other people make different decisions and that's totally cool. But for us, it was time. So I went another two weeks with the remaining feeding, and then we were done. Just like that.

Now that I've done this whole weird nursing thing twice, I often think back to that first day in the NICU with Madison. While it took a little convincing at first, I'm so glad I made the decision I did. And maybe things with Madison happened the way they did so that I could make that decision. I have loved nursing my girls, and I truly believe they are better for it. It's definitely been challenging and all-consuming at times, but that pretty much sums up motherhood in general so why should nursing be any different?! I have a feeling it will only get more challenging with our future children as there are so many other things that will be demanding my attention, but I hope I can reread this post and remember how much it means to me. I love knowing I'm giving my children what Heavenly Father intended them to have. I love the bond it allows me to create with them. And I love those sweet faces staring up at me. Totally worth it :)